Why talking about grief out loud can help

Death and grief come up on the podcast again and again. Guests talk about losing a parent, a partner, a child or a friend, and about what happened to them in the months and years afterwards. One thing comes up almost every time: how hard it was to find anyone to talk to.

Why grief goes quiet

After the funeral, the cards stop and people go back to their lives. Friends may avoid the subject because they are scared of saying the wrong thing. You may avoid it because you do not want to bring everyone down, or because you worry you should be "over it" by now.

So the grief goes underground. It does not go away. It comes out sideways: in sleepless nights, in snapping at people you love, in a tiredness that will not lift.

What saying it out loud does

Putting grief into words does not fix it, and it is not meant to. But it helps in a few real ways.

• It makes it smaller. A feeling that lives only in your head can feel enormous. Said out loud to someone who listens, it often becomes something you can hold.
• It lets you remember them. Talking about the person you lost, their jokes and habits as well as how they died, keeps them part of your life.
• It shows you are not alone. When you hear someone else describe the same strange, guilty or angry thoughts, it is a huge relief.

Ways to start

You do not have to begin with a heart-to-heart. Small steps count.

• Say their name. Tell a friend one story about them.
• Write down what you would say to them if you could.
• Listen to someone else talk about their loss. Hearing another person go first can make it easier to speak.
• Join a group of people who understand. Our online support group is open to anyone going through something hard, grief included.

If you are supporting someone

You do not need the perfect words. "I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about them?" is enough. Then listen. Mention the person by name. Remember the hard dates, like birthdays and anniversaries, and get in touch on them.

When to get more help

Grief has no timetable, but if you are struggling to get through the day, or thinking about harming yourself, please talk to someone now. Cruse Bereavement Support is on 0808 808 1677, and Samaritans answer any time on 116 123. Our get help page has more.